1. Couply photographs
The fact that you’ve managed to convince another human that you aren’t the most repulsive thing on earth is of absolutely zero interest to anybody else. The entire month of December sees the internet spammed full of self-obsessed couples posting endless pictures of themselves at the vomit inducing Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park, which must be where they go to hang out with all the other self-obsessed couples. Definitely one of the most annoying things on the internet.
2. Needy, self-absorbed status updates
No-one cares. I repeat, no-one cares. Either be funny, or just don’t be.
3. Get rich quick schemes
If it was that easy, everyone would be rich, wouldn’t they? Shut up and leave me in peace, I’m trying to watch a funny video of a squirrel.
4. Misleading pictures
Admit it guys, we’ve all done it. The article could have the most mundane, boring title imaginable, but stick a picture of a hot woman on the front of it and we’ll click on it. Gets us every time, without fail.
5. Baby stuff
You’ve had a baby. Congratulations, we’re all very pleased for you. Seriously, it’s wonderful, creating human life. But do we have to know every, tiny, thing your child does? Honestly, going to the toilet isn’t that impressive, the rest of us manage to do it without photographing the entire event and sticking it up online.
Apart from anything else, if your child grows up to realise that everything he did as a nipper was subsequently shared with literally everyone you know, including a bloke you once met at a party, that person at school who used to eat pencil shavings or your housemate’s mother, he might resent you a wee bit.
6. Buffering speeds
In the age of broadband, we’ve forgotten what it used to be like – the days when pages didn’t load instantly. Nowadays, if we don’t have a fully loaded page within half a millisecond, we’re liable to punch a hole in the screen. Hurry up, damn you!
No-one can actually remember more than one, maybe two passwords, it just isn’t possible, so we all just use the same password for absolutely everything; emails, online shopping, recruiters, music download sites and so on. Kind of defeats the point of even having one.
8. Those incredibly annoying ‘type the letters you see in the box’ things
I’m typing it and it still won’t recognise it. Just go away.
In 2014, there were more babies born in Britain called Hashtag than Gary. That probably says something quite disturbing about the state of modern Britain, but it also shows how it is literally, completely, absolutely impossible to avoid those stupid little things at every turn. If you aren’t on Twitter, don’t use a hashtag.
10. People checking themselves in at airports
And the winner is… easily the most annoying thing on the internet. You’re off on holiday and you want everyone in the entire world to know how cool and interesting that makes you. But instead of just having it as your status, like a common moron, you check yourself in at the airport, pretending like you didn’t even want everyone to know – but now they’re asking where you’re going – so, you might as well tell them. Ridiculous.