For every adorable kitten, there are approximately a fuck-ton of other animals out there that will literally eat your face off. Why? Because nature is an asshole, that’s why. Certainly, while critters like rats, sharks and Bruce Forsythe scare the living bejezus out of me, they are nothing compared to these five creatures that serve prove that nature hates us deeply, and wants us to die:
5. The Japanese Spider Crab
While their diet is varied, they are known to have fed on human carcasses. Just like in every nightmare I’ve ever had.
Oh, they also live for 100 terrifying years. So yes, sure, there’s that too.
But at least we’re safe in the knowledge that nothing remotely like this exists on land, right?
4. Coconut Crab
Meet the Coconut Crab, which Wikipedia calmly describes as “the largest land-living arthropod in the world”, wholly neglecting to mention that they are categorically the worst as well.
The crab gets it’s name due to the fact that its diet consists mainly of coconuts that it has climbed trees to get and then ripped open with its claws. When coconuts are scarce, the crabs have been known to feed on each other or even to catch and eat rats.
They are regularly referred to as the robber crab because of their Wynona Ryder-like obsession with stealing your shiny objects. If you live in the special ring of hell that these monsters lovingly refer to as home, it is not uncommon for you to find it in your kitchen or tent, stealing your pots and pans. I seriously wish I was making that up.
There are actual real-life people who, in sheer defiance of their survival instinct, keep these things as pets. These are people who have tried every other kind of pet and decided that nothing less than a 1 metre long clawing and eating machine with an aggressive nature will do. If you’re in the market for a coconut crab, remember to get a specialised coconut crab cage, as they are known to rip regular cages right open and then you have to deal with a pissed off crab the size of a small person wandering around your house.
Also, if you are unlucky enough to come face to face with a coconut crab and it bites you, it is unlikely that it will let go.
3. Giant Weta
The Giant Weta is what you would end up with if you combined a regular cricket with the mournful screams of a thousand small children.
The Māori, arguably one of the hardest cultures in history call this thing wētā punga, which roughly translates into English as “god of ugly things”.
Not only is the weta the world’s heaviest insect, it also has a habit to play dead, by lying still on its back with its claws exposed and jaws wide open ready to scratch and bite.
To top it all off, they also hiss when threatened. Sweet Mexican Jesus, why do they have to hiss?
2. Goliath Bird Eating Spider
Oh wait, I forgot. The Goliath Bird-Eating Spider totally hisses. Is also lives for 25 years and lays over 200 eggs at a time. These eggs take about six weeks to hatch. My high school mathematics is a bit sketchy but by my rough calculations, that means that we will be hunted to extinction by these things within the next 10 years.
The spider is 30cm across, which scientists globally agree is, “just too damn big”.
Bird-eating spiders are easily one of the strongest arguments for deforestation that I’ve ever heard.
1. The Amazonian Giant Centipede
There’s really no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to go ahead and come right out with it. This thing catches bats in midair.
Also, I’m not even kidding around anymore, people have got to stop putting things like these on their arms.
As well as ensuring that South America remains one of the most horrifying continents, the Giant Centipede also helps control the populations of lizards, frogs, birds and dreams.