*approaches hot blonde at supermarket* "Excuse me but has anyone ever told you that you're blocking the fucking Lunchables?"
— Mått (@shadygrenade) June 5, 2014
he died doing what he loved, shouting "fuck bears" in the forest
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) February 21, 2014
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
— Justin Furano (@4anno) February 13, 2012
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) December 4, 2013
Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "No you motherfucking will not."
— Winter Holiday Jason (@longwall26) July 23, 2014
DATING TIP: Put your arm around her. Then your other arm. Complete the tackle. 4th down now, they have to punt. Wait this might be football.
— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) February 14, 2014
"I wrote a poem," he threatened
— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) September 20, 2013
STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN'S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
— Mike Leffingwell (@mikeleffingwell) March 23, 2013
The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.
— Christmas Ape (@Zaius13) July 28, 2010
waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup
— wild thing jr. (@davedittell) March 11, 2014
My neighbor has an unsecured, wireless printer. I just sent this document to it. pic.twitter.com/dBvSmTpfpp
— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) July 10, 2013
The guy at Chipotle couldn't close my burrito. He looked up at me. I looked at him. I whispered, "It's not your fault." He wept in my arms.
— Darin Ross (@luckyshirt) August 13, 2013
"Do you have Coke" No, is Pepsi okay "Do you have updog" What's updog "Haha not much and no Pepsi is absolutely not okay"
— BeardSpice (@BeardSpice) September 30, 2014
Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches
— Chad Stereotypes (@mattytalks) January 8, 2012
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) November 30, 2013
Life hack: always carry an onion in your handbag in case someone asks you why you're crying at your desk.
— LingLing (@Leandriii) October 29, 2014
YOU KNOW THAT SAYING "DON'T PISS IN MY POCKET AND TELL ME IT'S RAINING"? I FEEL LIKE THE SECOND HALF OF THAT SENTENCE IS IRRELEVANT.
— – ̗̀KEENAN ̖́- (@KEENANMULVANEY) November 4, 2014