Ah, books: those fibrousy cellulose precursors to the internet. If you’re still struggling to picture one, imagine a Kindle, except it can only hold one book at a time. Got it? Right.
While books have certainly advanced our collective conciousness, filling our tiny mind-holes with knowledge, these publications would have Bi Sheng (not Gutenberg – read a book, you Philistine), turning in his grave.
1. How To Avoid Huge Ships
Avoiding huge ships has never been an issue for me. I find them obnoxious and difficult to ignore, so I always give them a wide berth at parties.
As always, I’m in the minority it seems, as the reviews on Amazon suggest that Captain John W. Trimmer is solving a very real and very pressing problem with his illuminating tome.
From the maritime…
As a U-Boat captain operating in the North Atlantic, my crew and I have found this book invaluable. Simply by doing the exact opposite of the advice contained within this tome, we have been able to increase our sunk tonnage in the last three months by 36.7%. Have to go – just sighted another Huge Ship. ALARM! VORBEREITEN DIE TORPEDOS!
… to the dyslexic…
As an individual plagued with chronic constipation and bowel distress for most of my adult life, I felt that my prayers had finally been answered by Captain Trimmer’s bold and succinct title. You can imagine my disappointment when I realised that, once again, my dyslexia had let me down.
… to the megalaphobic…
As I have never encountered a huge ship at all in nearly 30 years of life, some of that by the coast might I add, I can only assume that the lessons this book has taught me have been completely successful. An absolute must for anyone suffering from ship-specific megalophobia.
… the good captain has turned people’s lives around. So much so that the book is now on it’s second edition. One can only try to envisage the giant leaps forward in huge ship evasion methodologies that warranted a second printing.
2. 50 Ways to Use Feminine Hygiene Products in a Manly Manner
With virtually no information or reviews on this publication, all we have the opportunity to comment on is the fact the the author’s name is almost certainly made up. B Kos why? B Kos fuck you, that’s why.
3. Anybody Can Be Cool (But Awesome Takes Practice)
The “poor man’s” James Van Der Beek and his focus group-approved, multicultural buddies sure are cool but something tells me that, with a little bit of practice, we can expect full-blown awesome from them any time now.
If you’re thinking, “No Way. This is baloney. Grade A baloney”, then be still, my dubious friend. The reviews are in and shizz is for real, yo.
I bought this book for two of my friends. They were pretty cool, but not awesome. They’re both awesome now.
There you have it. Irrefutable evidence of the efficacy of this book. Buy it now, or forever be condemned to eke out an existence that is merely and disappointingly cool.
4. Cheese Problems Solved
Mo’ menage, mo’ problems.
I’ve got 99 problems but a brie ain’t one.
If there was a problem, yo, I’ll selva.
Thank you, I’m here all week.
If we’re being honest with ourselves, I don’t think any of us could name a single cheese problem. They’re just not that problematic, in terms of “things I eat”. They have their good days and their bad and we could all honestly do without the Cheese String TV adverts but on the whole, they’re scarcely vexing.
Incidentally, as pointed out by this helpful reviewer, this book is not – as is the common misconception – the sequel to “Who Moved My Cheese”.
“Cheese Problems Solved” is not the sequel to “Who Moved My Cheese” as the previous and only other reviewer of this gem of a book mentioned. That must have been their idea of some kind of joke. In fact this is the sequel to “Bread Problems Solved” and the second book in a trilogy that will be completed in 2009 with “Pickle Problems Pondered”
5. MenOpop (A Menopause Pop-Up and Activity Book)
MenOpop: it’s like your impending mortality is coming right for you.
6. Why Do I Vomit?: And Other Questions about Digestion
Tequila. The answer is always, tequila.
7. Do It Yourself Coffins For Pets & People
8. Knitting With Dog Hair
It’s hard to find fault with their opening gambit, “Better a sweater from a dog you know and love than from a sheep you’ll never meet”. On the face of it, their reasoning is bullet-proof. I can’t say ol’ Fido looks too pleased with his new hat though.
9. Cooking With Pooh
“Ah-ha!”, you exclaim. “Pooh” is not the accepted nomenclature for filthy human excrement.
“I think you’ll find,” you continue, sounding more pretentious as this imagined exchange continues, “that the ‘h’ at the end of ‘Pooh’ is what separates a lovable childhood icon from human bum cakes”.
Well to you, alarmingly intrusive stranger, I say…
10. Cooking With Poo
11. Cookin’ With Coolio
Right off the bat I’m going to draw your attention to the dropped “g” in “cookin'”. This is how we know that our boy Coolio is straight-up gangsta.
For those of you under the age of 30, Coolio is not just a celebrity chef and former UK Celebrity Big Brother contestant. He also wrote a bitchin’ tune in the 90’s which I think was about Michelle Pfeiffer doing her best Dead Poets Society impression.
12. Exercises for Gentlemen: 50 Exercises to Do With Your Suit On
13. Shipping Semen? How to Have a Successful Experience
Tired of having unsuccessful experiences shipping semen? Also, how does one quantify success when shipping semen?
Worryingly, the reviews of this book on Amazon are all totally sincere, which suggests that there is thriving marketplace of folks fervently posting semen to each other without a hint of irony or malice.
14. Love + Sex With Robots
It’s difficult to know what to make of this book. USA describes it as “troublingly arousing”, if the cover of the book is to be believed. I think the demographic of readers who would buy this book is summed up succinctly by this earnest reviewer:
Not inventive enough in my opinion.
15. Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition
16. Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Mind Power
How to Use the Other 90 % of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts